How to Bag a Shortie at a Basement Party in Another Town

By Abel Veloz

Rule #1: Don’t go solo. Well, make your entrance solo, but let your boys go in first. It’s your turn to get some action anyway, so just follow the script.

They will scope out the party while you dog the Brugal Añejo with the netting still on so the ladies know you Dominican-Dominican—not that fake I live in Amboy, Dominican. They will text you where the flyest shortie is situated. They will definitely text you which shorties appear to come with trouble: ex-boyfriends, cock-blocking older brothers, etc. Because last time when it was Popola’s turn (your best friend who got thin lips that look like a—you know—popola) y’all ended up with bruised ribs from the Timbs stomping. And if they slick enough, they may even bless you with a clandestine picture of whatever cuerito they got lined up for you.

No lie, you guys are really professionals at this point. The HR team of easy bitches with a recruitment rate of fifty percent. So you trust each other’s judgement. The biggest protest will come if they send you a pic of a chunky one. But after many hours of scientific deliberation, the squad has determined that the chunky ones are the most likely to get a BBL in the future. So the assumption is, if you hit chunky, you’ll hit when that cuerpazo has logged five-hundred phantom gym hours. And when you show her off to your uncles at a barbecue ten years from now, they won’t know the difference.

Once the squad has found the shortie, they’ll position themselves at each corner of the basement. Some real military, Call of Booty tactics. And when you walk in.

When.

You.

Walk in...

…she’ll take notice, immediately. ’Cause they will YEERRRRR, AYOOOO, OH SHIT HE’S HERE so loud that everyone is going to search for who got the bellacos excited. But act cool like you actually a big deal. Like someone used to that sort of attention, ’cause they’re not done yet.

Your boy closest to la freca will say your name so damn loud that everyone will think it was the voice of God, choosing you as the next messiah.

So now that she peeped you (or at least knows you exist), you gonna lift that Bruggie bottle with the netting like an Olympic torch so she knows you got a bottle on deckie. If it’s a blackgirl, tell her it tastes like Henny. If it’s a whitegirl, tell her it will fuck her up more than Everclear. And if it’s a Latina, just pass her the bottle. She probably has more chest hair than you.

Next, you and your boys will chill near shortie. You’re gonna bump her by “accident” and offer her a Bruggie shot out of courtesy. If she says, No, tell her you taking two shots. One for you and one for her.

If she takes the shot, mingle. Vibe her out.

If she grabs the bottle and starts chugging, abort mission. Esa tipa will ruin your night faster than an unexpected case of diarrhea. Plus, you guys made a pact: never bag a borracha. Because there is a clear difference between shortie regretting sex with you because your dick-game wack, and shortie being violated while blacked-out because you’re scum. So again, avoid at all costs. Everyone at the party looking for peepee, toto, or culo anyway, no need to be gross.

She may be feeling nice already, and if she Bori or campesina, she gonna play-hit you (with her heavy hands, of course) after your every joke. And after the second hit, once you solidify that she indeed is play-hitting you, you pretend it hurts. So do your best to exaggerate like you auditioning for the WWE. Once she embarrassingly apologizes, you will laugh so she knows you just teasing. That’s when she gonna realize that you’re flirting with her and begin inputting the raw data into whatever toto-granting equation she got for someone like you. She gonna input that you’re not a local, but somehow people were dumb excited to see you. She gonna input that you came in with a bottle, so you break the rules. She gonna input that you a funny guy.

New guy, popular, bad boy, and funny. The cheat code to some panties.

If only it were that easy.

This is when the real work starts. Because while you have a clear goal for the night, she likely has one too. If she thinks you cute, but thinks your friend is cuter, alley-oop her to your friend. What does it matter, anyway? They always go for him. And this is the tenth time it being your turn, yet you have yet to bag a shortie.